Diet Day 19 – 331 Pounds

Doctors appointment today at 900AM.

I am up early this morning, full intentions of starting off the week in good spirits and solid determination. Then I start thinking about my thyroid and todays Doctor’s appointment. I am coming up with all kinds of absurd conclusions, my head is filled with what if, what if and more what if. All of the sudden I am no longer motivated to get up, I just continue to mope around my room until shortly after 800AM.

I missed breakfast, just no appetite with all of these thoughts going through my head. I know that if I don’t fuel up I will risk going into hunger mode which will cause me to self destruct and then I will likely end up making poor choices in searching for food. I convince myself to at least have some fruit.

The morning is already off my schedule, I have missed the morning cardio class, I could still go to gym and do my own thing but I choose to sit outside and ponder more about my Doctor’s appointment.

I am at the reception area of the medical department, sitting calmly and waiting for the appointment. Everyone around me is so cheerful and talking about how great they are feeling, the chatter is driving me crazy. My thoughts are not so positive, horrible things are racing through my head and I am anxious to see the Doctor to discuss what the next steps are.

At last, I am in with Doctor Yanelis Martin.  She is feeling my neck line and explaining what she is feeling at the same time. I am nervous and feeling a bit light-headed, both the results of not having any fuel and the worry of the impending news. She indeed can feel  my thyroid and the mass, as a precaution she suggests that a further examination be scheduled for a biopsy tomorrow at 230PM.

Well that was a fast appointment, after all that worry, not much to it after all. That is of course until tomorrow, yet another day of waiting. I am in no mood to do anything, why is it I have to wait, why can’t I  just be dealt with one step after another until it is done. It would be so much more efficient if the Doctor was to assess and diagnose then determine what the next step is during this one appointment. The waiting game is absolutely horrific, the emotions and the thoughts that run through my head are like being in a dark hole, a hole that I can’t get out of nor wanting to be in. The worst part of all, is when everyone is trying support me by telling me everything will be alright. How in the world, do they know that?I appreciate the thoughts and concerns, but let’s get it real here, your words are nothing more than words.

The remainder of my day is going to be without saying the absolute worst. I am at the pool sulking, trying to keep positive but it is not happening.

To make things worse, I am playing Doctor, reading and researching about the thyroid, biopsy procedures and looking at all these online stories. Perhaps the worst thing I can do is continually read about it, nothing is going to change from doing so other than me getting more and more mislead. But I continue anyways, from what I gather, my research is telling me that I will be having a needle aspiration of the thyroid, a quick procedure, some say painful, some say not. I hate needles, not my thing and now one in my throat, I am going to be sick!

You have to take it one day at a time they say. Great, who wants to deal with this for more than one day? I start to think about this, after the biopsy is done I am going to have to wait for the results, then wait to see the Doctor to discuss the results, if bad,  I am going to have to see more Doctors, more tests, wait and wait. It is going to be day after day of days I don’t want. This is going to impact me and my journey, this is going to destroy me. I am terrified!

I am a mess, tears flowing and all kinds of thoughts are going through me. I am not enjoying myself at all but I will handle it. I will remain strong and will tackle all that comes forward, I have no other choice.

No lunch, no way I am eating anything. The thought of food is the furthest thing I could imagine. Why don’t I have that feeling more often, I ask myself. I have to be positive, I have to start going about my day like any other day. I have to stop worrying and start doing. It is amazing how my head can alter my day with bad thoughts, this is absurd and its time to move forward.

I spent the entire day at the pool, it is just before the dinner hour and I am here on my lanai enjoying the sunset just sitting and thinking about everything. I can’t believe the day is almost over, I spent the entire day doing nothing but worrying.

Dinner was depressing, sitting with people hearing them talk but not hearing a word they are saying. I am in a world all of my own, it is amazing how I am able to be here at the table and keep it together and at the same time be completely away from what is going on around me.

I have had enough, I am completely exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything. Perhaps just going to sleep is the best thing right now, I need to stop thinking about this and just get a good nights rest.

Tomorrow will be another healthy day, I promise myself!